When Communication Hurts
By Rachael Tsaneva
Institute for Cross-Cultural Training at Wheaton College
“I just don’t understand these people!"
Isn’t it amazing that God has created cultures with such widely diverse ways of thinking, behaving, and communicating? And yet, most of us have experienced cultural difficulties that frustrated or confused us. For example:
- Jim is a North American businessman working with several East Asians. He gives them some direct feedback about how they can improve their work performance, which deeply hurts and offends them. Meanwhile, his colleagues try to give him hints about a change that is needed, but Jim totally misses the hints.
- Amanda planned a dinner and invited some friends from different cultures. She asked them to arrive at 7 pm, but most arrived after 9:30. She was confused, unsure what to do, and hurt that her friends didn’t care enough to at least let her know that they were running late.
- In Emily and Joe’s cross-cultural marriage, Emily feels it’s important to build up a large savings account in case of emergencies, while Joe thinks they only need a small amount of savings. This has caused several arguments, and they aren’t sure how to reconcile it.
If you’re working, living, or building friendships with those from other cultures, chances are you’ve experienced differences like these. It can be hurtful, confusing, or surprising...but what can we do? How should believers in Christ cope when people behave in ways that are culturally inappropriate to us?
- Pause. Because cultural ways of behaving are tied to our values systems, a breach of our cultural expectations often comes with an emotional response. It’s easy to want to react out of those emotions, but as believers, we are called to peace. Take some time to pause and pray.
- Give grace. If someone has crossed your “cultural boundary,” chances are, you’ve crossed theirs before, too. Give grace and recognize that this person’s actions may not be what they seem to you. In giving the benefit of the doubt, you remind yourself that we come from different ways of viewing the world, but we are all image-bearers of God, worthy of dignity and love.
- Learn. How can you learn about this person’s cultural viewpoint? Can you speak with them or with a mediator to learn their underlying beliefs and motivations? Can you research cultural values to find out how others might perceive this situation? Is there a course or book available to help you learn about different cultural viewpoints, negotiate challenges, and begin to see these differences as just different, rather than wrong?
- Try again. This might be the hardest part, but after finding out why something happened, it’s time to try again. Ask for forgiveness, if necessary. Ask questions and keep learning. Above all, don’t give up on the relationship because of a difference in how you see the world. You – and your friend or colleague – will be richer for it.
These steps are certainly easier said than done, and they take practice! Give yourself grace, as well, as you learn a new skill in working with people from other cultures.
For cross-cultural learners looking to learn about navigating cultural differences, the Institute for Cross-Cultural Training at Wheaton College offers a Cross-Cultural Living and Ministry Course. This online course includes 11 modules covering topics such as personal values, time, approaches to crises, vulnerability, self-worth, and more. Furthermore, although the course is asynchronous, each student has several one-on-one video calls with an experienced instructor who helps them apply their learning to their own unique needs and context. Students are also guided in working with a culture helper who can give them unique insights into the culture they are learning. Each student becomes a life-long culture learner, knowing not only about how cultures may differ, but also what questions to ask as they learn and grow.
This course is offered at the beginning of every month, except for August and December, and is open to anyone. You can learn about this course on our website or simply send an email to [email protected].